Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Commuter Chronicle #5 - I'm Drifting Away


There are many different ways to get from Northern NJ to New York City. If you can't chopper in with Donald Trump or have the ability to covert yourself into an energy pattern and then beam that pattern to a target where it can be reconverted back into matter, you pretty much have to drive a car or take public transportation.

If you do not have access to a car and mass transit is not available to you and teleportation is not an option, adapt... make things happen.

Don't be half a sissy. I say... Swim across the Hudson River. That's right, swim. It may take longer but it is a mode of transportation. While this is not always recommended, it can be accomplished. Why? Because I saw Survivor Man do it on A&E once in Alaska. And Bear Grylls did it in Man vs Wild on the Discovery Channel. They swam across bitter cold fjords and icy rivers. The Hudson should be a piece of cake. All you need is a few survival techniques and you are on your way to the office... Action Jackson style.

First, you may need to become SAS trained like Grylls. You will need to join the British Army's Special Forces to apply for the SAS training. Should be pretty easy. I mean, you wouldn't be thinking of swimming unless you were in great shape and had sound mind, right?

Next, you will need to ascend Mount Everest or at minimum the K2. Grylls did this as well and it probably puts you in great shape. All that walking does a body good. Check out "Nepal on $30.00 a Day" by Fodors. They have a chapter on what equipment you'll need as well as a helpful chapter on home remedies for frost bite.














You will need to have access to a dead sheep. A large goat will also suffice. Survivor Man used the skin of a sheep to create a floatation device. This will help you save some valuable energy as you float through the Hudson's current on your ISD (inflated sheep device). Once the sheep's hide has been removed, fold the hide's corners and simply tie up the ends with a piece of small intestine. Sheep intestine is considered the duct tape of all of the sheep parts. There are over 101 uses for a sheep's small intestine.

Now inflate your intestine. This will take a while so you may want to get any early start on the day so that you do not run late for work. Early bird gets the sheep inflated. If you are not a strong swimmer, might I suggest wrapping some small intestine around your arms - and inflating those as well. Swimmies!

Once you get across, both survivor man and Grylls always had a quick snack to provide energy to their exhausted bodies and you still need to walk the six blocks to your office. Granola just isn't going to cut it and pop tarts are way too fattening.

Grylls ate sheep eyes while Survivor Man ate a goat testicle. The only sheep part you'll have time to munch down will be your small intestine swimmies. They'll tide you over until you get a bagel in the office.

I told you there were 101 uses for uses for sheep intestine.


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