Commuter Chronicle #7 - iThink iMight be Losing It

With the smell of burnt coffee and garlic bagels... as well as some one's lack of proper morning hygiene, (it's called lather and rinse pork chop, lather and rinse...) I sit zoning out with my nano on train car #6568. Car #6568 is one of the new cars. It has tall maroon seats, large clean windows and it comes equipped with a sultry computerized voice telling the morning lemmings that the "next stop is Rutherford" or to "Please take all garbage and newspapers when departing the train...". The voice is nothing more than a computer, a 10 watt speaker and a set of female vocal chords. Imagine a Demi Moore voice over... the voice sounds like a young pre-Ashton Kutcher Demi. I am also convinced that a few of the male riders are falling love with her. You can see that Jeffrey Dhamer twinkle in their eyes. Pretty creepy stuff.

While others are reading the Financial Times or dreaming of kicking Bernie Madoff square in his shrunken global assets... or perhaps sleeping off the previous night's tequila jello shot and jalapeno popper blow out at Matt's Casa de Guapo, there are some with that spacey stare when the voice chimes over the PA system. I can only imagine what these guys are thinking. I would give a few crispy dineros to be a bystander peeking through the blinds that cover the doorways of their dreams...

Demi Voice: "Next stop is... Glen Rock."
Creepy Guy: "No Demi, we are going to the Meadowlands Race Track."
Demi Voice: "Next stop is... Ridgewood."
Creepy Guy: "Demi, you make me laugh. We're going to the horse track. You silly dilly."
Demi Voice: "For your safety, please do not walk in between cars while the train is moving."
Creepy Guy: "Oh Demi, you're so crazy. Hey, want to listen to some Duran Duran or Foreigner?"
Demi Voice: "Please check the all overhead racks for personal belongings..."
Creepy Guy: "Demi, will you stop. You're not at work tonight. Oh, I love this song... ...mouth is alive, with juices like wine... Sing with me Demi! ..and I'm hungry like the wolf?"
Demi Voice: "Please watch for the gap when departing the train..."
Creepy Guy: "No, Demi... it's ...mouth is alive, with juices like wine...
Demi Voice: "Thank you for riding NJ Transit today and have a safe and wonderful day."

Dude, get a book or order go eat some poppers... But I digress.

It's a quiet ride today which allows me to sink deeper and deeper into unconsciousness. My iPod is like anesthesia. Only an iPod doesn't enter you blood stream stream and leave you with a sore throat, muscle pain, nausea or constipation... unless of course you're listening to the Bee Gees Greatest Hits... then I would add explosive diarrhea to the symptom list.

Thank god for Steve Jobs and his ibrain. His neat little invention with the white wire and ear buds numbs the piercing pain I get from having to hear mindless cell phone conversations about where to go to get one's eyebrows waxed... which by the way, if you are ever in Ridgewood, NJ and need that killer Brazilian wax job, I hear the Ridgewood Day Spa is... theeee best. I heard it was something about the cold Egyptian cotton clothes dipped in goat milk and soft piano music... goat butter, rags and Yani? Sorry, I don't see myself reaching that stage of enlightenment.

We are now 30 minutes from the city and I am flirting with a REM pattern which gives me plenty of time and opportunity to decipher the 60,000 flashing synapses I see on the backside of my eyeballs. My Subconscience has now taken over.

Just as we started red lining, Subconscience asks me, "what if all of these musicians on your ipod had TV shows"? I was game and decided to play. I had some time... weren't even half way to work. So, me and Subconscience brainstormed and came up with a few pilots that maybe one day, I'll run by the suits at NBC. They would have to at least listen. Come on... these are the same brainiacs of entertainment that gave us such TV classics as Punky Brewster, BJ and the Bear and Bosom Buddies.



3 Front Men and a Barista- NBC
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Starring:
Axl Rose, David Lee Roth, Prince, Joan Jett

Pilot Episode
Axl is jealous and gives David Lee the silent treatment because Roth gets to host VH1's - Spandex Bulges of the 80's. Meanwhile, Prince is contemplating changing his name to either Robitussin or Acetaminophen. Joan Jett accidentally uses sugar while making a sugar free hazelnut frappuccino at Starbucks for guest star Ozzy Osbourne. Oh... the shenanigans.


Hippie Daze - ABC
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Starring:
Jerry Garcia, Tom Petty, Bob Marley

Pilot Episode
Tom Petty forgets the words to Refugee during a show and hums the entire song. It soon becomes the inspiration for re-releasing Damn the Topedoes - I've Got a Hummer.
Bob and Jerry discover the Cartoon Network.


Dirty Jobs - Discovery Channel
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Starring:
Mike Roe

Special
In this one hour special, Mike Roe learns how to clean Meatloaf by his dashboard lights.
(first of two parts)


Angus' Kitchen - Food Network
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Starring:
Angus Young

Pilot Episode
Angus Young shows us how to make Back in Black Rack of Lamb.
Special guest chef Jimmy Page, shares his recipe for deep fried Led Zeppolies


Hey NBC, call me.