Commuter Chronicle #3 - Hey, That Was my Aorta

As I found out back in August 2008, you don’t always need to be on the train or a subway car to experience a moment of commuting Zen.

Sometimes the transit gods offer you a personal sacrifice. The Aztecs believed that on-going sacrifice sustained the universe and that everything had a bodily presence. They believed that all things - earth, crops, moon, stars and people, sprang from the severed or buried bodies of the sacrificed. If only I were a fly on the wall in the great Cholulu pyramid back in 1494. I can only imagine the conversation that was occurring around the board room behind closed stone.



Ahuitzotl (Aztec Ruler 1486 – 1502) - “Huemaci, I need to see you at my alter.”
Huemaci (Aztec Minion) – “Coming King.”
Ahuitzotl – “I have not seen a full moon in a month. Summon Miahaxiuiti”
Huemaci – “King Ahuitzotl, Miahaxiuiti is away on business in the valley of kings gathering virgins.”
Ahuitzotl – “Then tell Tenoch I need a sacrifice. He has done it before hasn’t he?”
Huemaci – “He has only sacrificed one virgin, my king, and that was only in celebration of the termite festival. He is fresh out of the University. But a full Moon?”
Ahuitzotl – “Your heard me right, Get Tenoch! I want the Moon God Coyolxauhqui to rise. Have him summoned immediately.”
Huemaci – “Right away king.”
Ahuitzotl – “Huemaci, wait… while you are out, have Pikachuchi sacrifice two green parrots and a moth, it is very hot and I would like a breeze.”

Now on that warm August morning, inside the train station, I was given a chance to sustain the universe, but not quite like an Aztec. I wasn’t going to split someone’s thorax open and offer a still beating four chambered heart to Cochimetl, the Aztec god of commerce and bartering, but I was going to drive a verbal spear right up someone’s arse. That would sustain my universe... at lease for a little while.

I ride the train with this obnoxious loud mouth who often takes the opportunity to expand on his political leanings whether you want to hear them or not. Instilling his opinions on anyone within listening range. Picture if you will for a moment, Captain Merril Stubing, you know, the Love Boat skipper.












Picture him without the skipper’s hat and wearing a slightly wrinkled, black, three piece, pin striped suit. His white oxford shirt has no collar stays so his collars are flaring up at 30 degree angles towards his ears. He has a pair of slightly rounded and tinted eye glasses pulled tight to the eyes. By his side is a brief case. It’s one of those large leather square ones with the gold combination locks that lawyers cart around. By the way, what do lawyers keep in those cases? 45 lbs of case law? Granola bars, Red Bull and No-Doze? Their egos? I digress. Let’s refocus and get back to Captain Stubing.

Now, remembering his suit, his arcing collars, the glasses and the brief case, let’s just add one more attribute and then we can continue. He is sitting in one of the comfy chairs in the station. It’s a brown tweedy chair with cushions, probably donated to the station by some one moving up to a leather Ethan Alan recliner or a Potter Barn clearance couch. In the chair, his legs are crossed. They are crossed up high and they are crossed up tight. You know what I mean, the bottom of the right thigh is resting on top of the left thigh.

Ok, I am about to digress here a bit again. Men of the world, hear me now and hear me good, sitting like that is not manly. I repeat, sitting like that crushes the boys. I repeat, sitting like that makes my boys feel your boys’ pain. It is not natural. The ankle on the knee, natural. Legs spread apart, natural. Sitting like your trying to hold back a wee wee, not natural. Well, unless you are holding back a wee wee. Then you should just get up and go pee, but that’s not what we are here to talk about. We are here to discuss a sacrifice.

Captain Stubing, is resting in his chair, reading his New York Times and commenting on the news out loud for all to hear.




“Ah come on, The Times is agreeing that we as a nation need to be thinking green… lower our reliance on foreign oil. Who are they or anyone else to tell me how I should live. Crude is high because of the speculators, not because of war or OPEC.” Well, as a Popeye the Sailor Man once said, “I cants stands not more!” I had to comment. And I did knowing well aware that me and the Captain were about to go broadside, cannons a glowing.

"How can you not be for greening it up just a bit." I fired back. Keep in mind that gas in NJ was selling for $3.89 a gallon for regular at the time of my counter strike. "Do you enjoy paying such high prices for gas?" I added. I set meself up for a blast on my port side. I don't ever remember the real Captain Stubing ever looking this upset or bewildered. Even in Love Boat episode #14 - Love on the Aloha Deck, when Charo told the Captain that she loved him but was not in love him.

I added that there is nothing wrong with down sizing a bit when it comes to vehicles. Hummers? Escalades? I said everyone should be free to choose but then how much is enough. Unless you really need that 13 foot SUV for work or for a large family, I did not see the hard core need. Then Stubing, with misdirected cannons fired back. The air smelled like sulfur and dumbshit. He blurted, "When I drive my big SUV, I am in my happy place!".

He said "Happy Place". Ha ha ha! Ever put a guy in checkmate? Stubing just layed himself across the sacrificial alter like a lamb. I first responded with, "did you just say happy place?". He said, "Yes, happy place". That's when I pulled out my figurative knife... Aztec style. Gripped it in both hands, held high over my head, my eyes staring straight into Stubing’s. I should have been wearing one of those Aztec head dresses with gold and feathers shooting out in every direction because I was feeling all Aztecky now. I thrust the knife forward. "Dude, I don't know about you, but my happy place doesn't have Firestones or a Vanilla Tree deodorizer in it.".

The 10 or 15 people in the station erupted in subdued laughter and hidden snickers. His sternum was ripped open and there was blood everywhere. I could see his heart.
I continued and added that my "happy place" consists of human contact and that it doesn't come with a lease or financing.

The Captain just sat there, heart in hand realizing that the Aztec god of comebacks was going to require a much bigger sacrifice.

I smiled and walked outside to wait for my train. The universe sustained.