It's How We Roll...

Commuting... Indian Style

It's How We Roll...

Commuting... Kamikaze Style!

Commuter Chronicle #6 - Worms in your Pockets

I just read an article that identified the Pompeii Worm (Alvinella Pompejana) as the the world's hottest animal. It can survive in an environment as hot as 176 degrees. If you're going to be a worm, that's the one to be. Nothing says I'm one bad ass worm better then 'Pompeii'. It's volcanic.

Another animal that should be considered is a guy I have nicknamed Stove Top. This guy is one giant human being. When my train slows down near the Rutherford station, my eyes start to peer down the walkways and past the office buildings, always looking to see which car he is about to turn into a furnace on rails.

Stove top is NFL lineman big. Big head, big feet and baseball mitts for hands. He stands over 6' 5" and must weigh in at over 280 lbs.

My core body temperature always seems to hover between 98.6 - 138.6 degrees regularly, so I do not need a 280 lb human rotisserie cozying up to me in a two seater. But fate has often stepped in and has made the introduction.

"Hey, how ya doin', I'm Fate... and dis here is a guy wit a core body temperature of 219 degrees. He's going to sit wit you... you alright wit dat?"

They don't make seats large enough for this guy's left butt cheek let alone both of his butt cheeks and he always finds a seat. This guy is not a stander. I have nowhere to go as I am jammed into the window of my train car. Then the heat begins. You might as well put a heating pad between our legs.

Now Stove Top either has a pocket full of Pompeii Worms or he is very excited to see me. Since Pompeii Worms live in hydrothermal vents deep in the Pacific Ocean just off the coast of Costa Rica, I doubt the creatures are lining the pockets of his Nike warm up pants. But then that leaves the fact that he may be excited to see me. Look, at a short 5' 7" and with a receding hairline and an occasional wild eyebrow hair that often attempts to climb over the top of my head like a an ivy plant, I do not consider myself much to get hot about. So, let's revisit the theory of Pompeii Worms in his pocket. It is a possibility.

• Where does one get Popmpeii Worms? After some research, I found that the worms are available at www.pompeiiworms.com, Amazon and at TrueValue Hardware stores.
  

• Then we need to identify why someone might want to carry Pompeii Worms in his pocket. I think it is obvious, eccentric yes, but obvious... ...cold legs.

• Next, we need identify what Pompeii Worms need to survive in one's pockets. The worms cannot subsist on old aloe infused kleenex scraps or pocket lint or without water. It says that on the wiki page, I read it. So, at minimum, they need saltwater and microbes. Zip lock bags, old medicine bottles or even Tupperware can be used to create the perfect habitat for the worms ...minus the volcanic thermal vents.
  

Going with my theory that Pompeii Worms in the pockets is a possibility, lets cap this rant off. The bottom line here is that whenever Stove Top or anyone who's body temperature can warm up my mac and cheese, comes and sits next to me, I should be prepared.

I just read an article that explained the word torpor. Stay with me here. This is important. Torpor is defined as a state of reduced activity resulting in the lowering of one's body temperature. See where we're going? Guess what animal can invoke torpor? Hummingbirds. It's getting clearer now isn't it?

I now carry around a Playmate cooler full of thawing but living and breathing hummingbirds. You see, I am prepared now. If I happen to catch old Stove Top and his thighs of fire, scanning the seat next to mine, guess who's jamming semi-frozen birds down his pants?

Commuter Chronicle #5 - I'm Drifting Away

There are many different ways to get from Northern NJ to New York City. If you can't chopper in with Donald Trump or have the ability to covert yourself into an energy pattern and then beam that pattern to a target where it can be reconverted back into matter, you pretty much have to drive a car or take public transportation.

If you do not have access to a car and mass transit is not available to you and teleportation is not an option, adapt... make things happen.

Don't be half a sissy. I say... Swim across the Hudson River. That's right, swim. It may take longer but it is a mode of transportation. While this is not always recommended, it can be accomplished. Why? Because I saw Survivor Man do it on A&E once in Alaska. And Bear Grylls did it in Man vs Wild on the Discovery Channel. They swam across bitter cold fjords and icy rivers. The Hudson should be a piece of cake. All you need is a few survival techniques and you are on your way to the office... Action Jackson style.

First, you may need to become SAS trained like Grylls. You will need to join the British Army's Special Forces to apply for the SAS training. Should be pretty easy. I mean, you wouldn't be thinking of swimming unless you were in great shape and had sound mind, right?

Next, you will need to ascend Mount Everest or at minimum the K2. Grylls did this as well and it probably puts you in great shape. All that walking does a body good. Check out "Nepal on $30.00 a Day" by Fodors. They have a chapter on what equipment you'll need as well as a helpful chapter on home remedies for frost bite.














You will need to have access to a dead sheep. A large goat will also suffice. Survivor Man used the skin of a sheep to create a floatation device. This will help you save some valuable energy as you float through the Hudson's current on your ISD (inflated sheep device). Once the sheep's hide has been removed, fold the hide's corners and simply tie up the ends with a piece of small intestine. Sheep intestine is considered the duct tape of all of the sheep parts. There are over 101 uses for a sheep's small intestine.

Now inflate your intestine. This will take a while so you may want to get any early start on the day so that you do not run late for work. Early bird gets the sheep inflated. If you are not a strong swimmer, might I suggest wrapping some small intestine around your arms - and inflating those as well. Swimmies!

Once you get across, both survivor man and Grylls always had a quick snack to provide energy to their exhausted bodies and you still need to walk the six blocks to your office. Granola just isn't going to cut it and pop tarts are way too fattening.

Grylls ate sheep eyes while Survivor Man ate a goat testicle. The only sheep part you'll have time to munch down will be your small intestine swimmies. They'll tide you over until you get a bagel in the office.

I told you there were 101 uses for uses for sheep intestine.


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